Ever since the day of the cookie heist debacle at the Campus Center, life for Dash, Butte College’s beloved mascot, the iconic roadrunner, has taken a turn for the better.

His time spent in a closet helped him get a new perspective on life, and now everybody’s favorite bird is a new type of mascot. Dash, now a free bird, has decided to change his ways; instead of getting into fights in cafeterias, he does more elegant things like drink craft beer and go to Butte Film Club meetings. 

For today’s adventure, our beloved big bird friend finds himself at The Commons, Chico’s premier taproom.  The Commons is a hotspot for those in search of the city’s best pizza, and it is also where Dash likes to hangout with his friend Willie the Wildcat from Chico State. 

Dash and Willy never really got along well, at least up until the cookie incident at the Campus Center. Since then, the two have put their differences aside and become friends (they are both mascots after all). 

Last week, however, things changed.

Apparently while seated at an outdoor table, Willy and Dash got caught up in a heated debate, not about cookies this time, but about which college had the best student newspaper. Between bites of “The Sicilian,” Dash’s favorite pizza, Willie, with his goofy voice, argued, “The Orion is in the top 100 student newspapers in the US and has a way bigger following and a bigger team.”

Dash, unfazed, responded, “Maybe so, but The Roadrunner beat Orion at an Instagram poll, 92% to 8%, a poll seeing who’s the coolest student newspaper.” Dash continued, “The Orion might have the structure and the budget, but The Roadrunner got the love, and love is what really matters.”

Their banter was suddenly cut short by a loud boom, and the room filled with smoke and glitter. Workers and guests coughed and squinted through the haze, trying to discern the source of the chaos. Then, like a scene from a medieval reenactment, in stormed Oakey Doaks (yes this is his actual name), Shasta College’s mascot, with swords blazing and armor clanking. 

Oakey swung his sword, slicing Willie’s pizza right as it entered his mouth. Willie’s eyes widened in absolute terror and the courageous kitty fainted, slumping onto the table. Dash, witnessing his friend’s dramatic reaction to danger, sighed and muttered, “Oh boy, here we go,” before leaping towards the Shasta knight.

“Prepare thyself, feathered foe, for thou shalt taste the steel of Oakey!” bellowed Oakey as he pointed his sword at Dash, voice echoing off the walls and using a vocabulary that was, frankly, quite impressive for a mascot.

The crowd oohed– some guests taking sips of their drinks, eyes wide with anticipation.

Even in the face of danger, Dash’s wit was as sharp as the sword pointed at him. Dash, unfazed by the knight’s big words and even bigger sword, retorted with a smirk, “Really, Oakey? What is the purpose of that big ass sword? Compensating for something?”

The battle commenced with Oakey charging forward, sword raised high. Dash, relying on his super-roadrunner speed, dodged with ease, and jumped around the taproom with the grace of a ballet dancer—if ballet dancers were known for dodging medieval weaponry, that is.

At one point, Oakey, overestimated the agility of his rusty armor and attempted a particularly ambitious swing. Dash simply stepped aside, and Oakey’s momentum carried him forward, leading to a head first collision with a bar stool. The stool, clearly not built to withstand the charge of an armored mascot, gave way with a sad, splintering crack, leaving Oakey momentarily entangled in its remains.

Dash, noticing that the crash was nasty, walked over to Oakey to check if he was okay. Seeing the defeated knight sprawled across the floor, Dash exclaimed, “Yield, Oakey. Let’s end this madness over a slice, not a fight.” Dash extended one hand in peace and offered a slice of pizza in the other.

Regaining his composure after being helped up, Oakey dusted himself off and eyed Dash with a newfound respect. “Thou art a worthy adversary, Dash. Please forgive me for thy troubles I have caused.”

More curious than worried, Dash demanded an explanation for the knight’s random attack. He asked, “What is the point of this? Why are you here?’” 

Oakey, now weaponless and defeated, explained, “I thought Willie was actually Corshairy, the pirate Sasquatch from the College of the Redwoods. He stole my Prius’s catalytic converter!” He then continued, “ Once I realized it wasn’t the Sasquatch, it was too late and we were already fighting.”

The revelation brought a moment of silence, which was broken by the sounds of Willie beginning to wake up. The Chico State Wildcat blinked owlishly, his voice groggy but unmistakable, “Did I miss the fight? Or was that just the world’s weirdest dream?” the feline asked.

“No, Willie, you didn’t dream it,” Dash assured him, clapping a hand on his friend’s back. “But you did pass out like a hero.”

Within the next hour, the newly formed trio found themselves all sharing slices of “The Sicilian” and taste-testing drinks. As laughter filled The Commons, the trio’s coming-of-age story, from enemies to lovers, served as a reminder that sometimes the greatest battles are fought not on historical battlefields but over tables filled with pizza.

As the night went on, the three talked about what happened and how much they all hate Corshairy, the pirate Sasquatch from the College of the Redwoods. Dash turned to the knight and said, “You know, Oakey,” clinking his glass with the knight’s, “the real catalytic converters are the friends we made along the way.”

As the night came to its end, Willie, now fully recovered, had the fantastic idea to call an Uber. “Remember, folks,” he slurred in his goofy tone, “no matter how drunk we get, we can’t forget to never drink and drive.”

And so another chapter in the adventures of Dash comes to a close, not with a bang, or with arrest, but with lessons learned, and the promise of more crazy adventures to come.